Tuesday, August 11, 2009

PZ Myers,and the Army of 300

trategic battle lines were drawn at the Creationist Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, and it became the site where the final battle of PZ's Army of 300 would commence.

July 28,2009

"The creationist museum has given us warning" PZ Myers

Ken Ham sent his First Lt. David Blaylock, Security Manager, Department of Public Safety, to PZ Myers. Sending PZ a stern warning over the world wide web, on what would happen if they proceeded to go to battle.

David Blaylock: There will be no glory in your sacrifice. I will erase even the memory of Science from the histories! Every piece of Evidence shall be burned. Every paleontologist, and every geologist shall have their eyes pulled out, and their tongues cut from their mouths. Why, uttering the very name of Science, or Darwin, or Dawkins, will be punishable by death! The world will never know you existed at all!

David Blaylock: Choose your next words carefully, PZ. They may be your last as king of your army.

PZ Myers: [to himself: thinking] "With no evidence to back up their claims, or scientific support,"?
[PZ unsheathes his mental IQ, and focuses his keyboard at the Messenger's throat]

David Blaylock: Madman! You're a madman!

PZ Myers: Lack of evidence, scientific support, ? You'll find plenty of both down there.

David Blaylock: No man, scientist or skeptic, no man threatens a messenger!

PZ Myers: You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my science blog. You insult my intelligence. You threaten my people with stupidity and ignorance! Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, Creationist. Perhaps you should have done the same!

David Blaylock: This is blasphemy! This is madness!

PZ Myers: Madness....? [shouting]

PZ Myers: This is Science!

The lack of evidence card PZ Myers whips out against David Blaylock was too strong. Bloggers spectating the confrontation online witness David Blaylock getting totally neutered by the vicous verbal assault brougt down upon him by PZ Myers.

PZ Myer's kingdom of bloggers became worried then. Thoughts of saboteurs, and agent provocateurs in their midst creating mayhem to undermine the battle arose. The sharks that they were knew the smell of blood, but wanted to be sure it wasn't one of their own left thrashing in the waves.

Random Blogger: PZ! PZ! The bloggers have spoken.

Worried Blogger: The bloggers have spoken. There must be no march!

Another worried random blogger: It is their religious fanaticism, PZ. This Scientific army must not go to war.

PZ Myers: Nor shall it. I've issued no such orders. I'm here, just taking a stroll, stretching my legs. These, uh, 300 men and women are my personal bodyguard.


August 7, 2009

In the early morning hours, PZ Myers and his army of 300 advanced towards the Creationist Museum. Onward they went ad-mist the droning sounds of bibles thumping like drums of war surrounding them. They knew they were in enemy territory, for the indomitable people of the bible belt had a confident zeal about themselves and thought they had God on their side.

PZ Myers: Scientist's and Secularist's! Prepare for glory!

Fence Sitter: Glory? Have you gone mad? There is no glory to be had now! Only retreat, or surrender or death!

PZ Myers: Well, that's an easy choice for us, Fence Sitter! Scientists never retreat! Scientists never surrender! Go spread the word. Let every skeptic assembled know the truth of this. Let each among them search his own mind. And while you're at it, search your own.

As PZ Myers and his army of 300 approached the entrance they were immediately confronted by the Creationist Army. The Creationist Armies first gauntlet was set, and they were asked to sign a document before they entered that required them to be "respectful" of their facilities, in an attempt to keep the Army of 300 from disturbing other visitors by their raucous laughter and mocking tones.

The Creationist Army was well armed with tazers and rabid canines that thirsted for the blood of the nonbelievers. They looked upon the Army of 300 with contempt in their hearts as they passed through their gates.

The Army of 300: We are with you, PZ! For Science, for freedom, to the death!

Once inside PZ Myers organized his troops, whose disciplined minds knew what they were up against, and listened intently to him.

PZ Myers: This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die!

A member of the Army of 300: Look for any evidence you can find for their claims, boys!

[The Army of 300 cheer]

PZ Myers: Remember this day, folks, for it will be yours for all time.

One by one the Army of 300 did their best to control their mocking laughter, some had gotten to the point of nausea and had a hard time progressing through without regurgitating their breakfast at IHOP hours earlier.

At one point PZ saw one of his soldiers cringing in pain from a migraine. Apparently this particular soldier was a geologist and the Noah's Ark Display of Stupidity was just too much for him to take

[Geologist is putting a patch over his eye]

PZ Myers: My friend, I trust that "migraine" hasn't made you useless.

Geologist: Hardly, PZ, it's just an eye. Evolution saw fit to grace me with a spare.

During the tour as PZ rallied his troops, Ken Ham's voice suddenly boomed from a speaker hidden somewhere in the Adam and Eve display. It almost sounded like they put the speaker inside Adam, and tells the Army of 300.

Ken Ham: Unlike the cruel PZ Myers, who persuaded you all to make a stand, I require only that you kneel before my God.

Then Ken Ham directs his attention to PZ.

Ken Ham: But I am a generous cu rater. I can make you rich beyond all measure. I will make you our chief science officer. You will carry my battle standard to the heart of all non believers. Your skeptic rivals will kneel at your feet if you will but kneel at mine.

PZ Myers: You are generous as you are insane, O' Woo-Woo of Cu raters. Such an offer only a madman would refuse. But the, uh, the idea of kneeling, it's- You see, disproving all these myths of yours has, uh, well it's left a nasty cramp in my leg, so kneeling will be hard for me.

Ken Ham: It isn't wise to stand against me, PZ. Imagine what horrible fate awaits my enemies when I would gladly kill any of my own men for victory.

PZ Myers: And I would die for any one of mine.

Ken Ham I have God on my side PZ, I suggest you all lay down your arms.

A brief moment passes and it was as if King Leonidas emerged from the past and took over PZ for a second as he quoted the old true King of the original 300.

PZ Myers: Molon labe! (Come and get them!)

PZ waits patiently for his challenge to be acknowledged, but is only met with silence.

Navigating the passageways, making mental notes as he wanders through. Ahead of him some of the advance scouts had managed to commandeer a saddled triceratops. The soldiers that surrounded PZ encouraged him to mount the beast, and conveniently ignore the sign on the wall telling adults to stay off of it. PZ graciously mounted the saddled triceratops like a king before his court, and swung his black hat in the air triumphantly, and in that moment he created an icon that will live forever in the annals of the internet.

Having survived the battle, the Army of 300 rejoiced in unison outside the Creationist Museum's gates

PZ Myers: A new age has begun, an age of science and wisdom. And all will know that 300 humanists gave their last breath to defend it!


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