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| Prop Weed 2.0 |
One day, just after doing another funny show in San Francisco, Cheech and Chong were sent an apparent gift from a fan.
The packaging had markings indicating that it had come from Oaxaca, Mexico.
The screeners opened the package for them, and showed them the contents inside.
Inside the package were 3 items. A joint, a note, and a skeleton key with a plastic motel room key.
Chong picks up the note and reads it to Cheech. "This is the best joint in the world." "If you want more, you know where to find me." Signed "Professor Elizardo Stendanko Jr."
Cheech picks up the joint. He scrutinizes it a little bit. He was highly skeptical that this would be the best joint in the world, but was in a good enough mood to roll with it, and lighting it up. The fact that it was free weed made it even better.
It was a delicious, lemony flavored sativa. Cheech took a couple more hits, and offered it to Chong. Chong was already smoking some Maui Wowie, and declined.
Cheech found himself taking bigger and bigger hits, and before he knew it it was just gone.
"Damn Tommy, that was some goood sh.....it...." Cheech says, and as he is saying it he starts slurring his words, and sits down in a catatonic haze with a shit eating grin on his face.
Chong looks up and see's Cheech all fucked up.
"Yo, Cheech, you alright?
Cheech is still sitting there grinning.
"Ill check back on you in a little bit." "I promised Willie Nelson I'd hang with him at a drag show close by."
Chong gets back a couple hours later and finds Cheech still sitting in the chair. Cheech's eyes were completely dilated, and he was still grinning. Occasionally he would just start laughing to himself. A joke that only he knew, and apparently it was very funny.
A straight dude in a suit walks up to Chong.
"I am sorry Mr. Chong, but you guys can't be backstage anymore." The theater has been closed for a couple of hours now, and the security staff are ready to go home."
Tommy says to the manager. "Cheech is apparently to fucked up to walk right now, could we borrow one of those electric scooters?"
The manager would of agreed to anything at this point and got Cheech a scooter from the admission lobby.
Tommy gets Cheech into the electric scooter, and sits on Cheech's lap driving it to the hotel close by.
They get into Cheech's hotel room. Chong realizes it's his turn at baby sitting detail for Cheech, and makes himself comfortable in the room.
Chong grabs a rolling tray, and twists one up. He lights it, sitting back on the couch looking at Cheech.
Another couple hours go by, and Cheech is still tripping.
By this time Tommy, is both amazed, and pretty high himself.
Tommy had time to think of evil pranks.
Tommy grabs a pair of VR Googles, he puts them on and the first thing he sees is the last porno Cheech was watching where it left off.
Tommy watches that for a few minutes approvingly, but changes it to a 10 hour video of Electric Sheep, and a loop of the song "Four Cornered Room" by War.
He puts the VR googles on Cheech, and takes him for a ride around the streets of San Francisco in the electric scooter.
Tommy and Cheech end up on the top of Hippy Hill. The sun is rising, and Cheech finally starts to regain "normal" consciousness only to awaken into a psychedelic VR reality with the sound of the band War singing "Zoom zoom zoom!" in his ears.
Cheech starts freaking out, "Where am I? Where am I!"
Tommy hearing Cheech awaken, chuckles, and decides to leave the VR goggles on a few more minutes before taking them off.
Cheech, seeing Chong felt a sense of relief overcomes him.
"Dude!. That was incredible!" "That really was the best joint I ever smoked in my life!"
Chong laughs "Haha, I bet, man."
Cheech gets up, and they walk back to the hotel room.
When they get to the room, Cheech sees the package on the table. He reads the note again, and picks up the skeleton key.
"If you want more, you know where to find me"
On the skeleton key was a plastic motel room key that said "Hotel California, Oaxaca, Mexico, Room 13.
Cheech stares at the key, and starts romancing in his mind the taste of the sweet lemony sativa.
"We got to go there! I never tasted such delicious weed!" "Let's go down there, and see if they will sell us some seeds, so we can grow this at home!"
They were under obligation to do one more show that week, and decided to fly down to Oaxaca, Mexico, as soon as it was done.
After the flight, and eventual arrival to the Hotel California they approached the check in clerk, and told them that they had reservations for room 13.
The clerk hands them an electronic key card for their room.
"What, no spooky skeleton key?"
The clerk looks at him slightly confused.
They approach the door to room 13. The electronic key card receiver was attached to the door knob. They swiped the key, and entered the room.
The room looked like a traditional Mexican hotel room. Albeit having a certain pop culture reference to it, and being popular to it's many guests it wasn't really anything special. Except for the mural. A red satanic looking Chupacabra surrounded by magic mushrooms, and marijuana plants.
Suspecting the key might lead to some sort of secret passage since it was not used to open the door, they searched the room for a place for the skeleton key to fit.
Fortunately Cheech's love of Mexican folk art helped him find the key hole in a relatively short amount of time.
In the mural, inside the middle of the satanic Chupacabra's butt hole, he saw they key hole.
Cheech places the key inside, and a secret door reveals itself from the mural.
When the door opens a warm air rises out from it, and the smell of fresh marijuana wafted with it.
Cheech looks at Tommy, and says "I think we're in the right place!"
Tommy inhales the odor from inside. "Hell yeah, let's do this man!"
They walk down the stairs illuminated with multicolored led lights into a giant grow room.
Professor Elizardo Stedanko Jr is standing in front of a bunch of marijuana plants growing alongside magic mushrooms.
He sees Cheech and Chong walking up to him.
"Welcome to our humble abode!" Waving his arms in a sweeping welcoming gesture.
A petite older Mexican Senora waved to them and motioned for them to make themselves comfortable.
A giant old wrinkled lizard about the size of a medium alligator sat in a chair. It was wearing a Mexican sombrero, and it's tongue was flicking in and out over a plate of beans.
"I am sure you probably remember my father." He was a detective, who got hooked on some weird strain you guys were growing, and turned into a lizard."
Cheech and Chong look at each other. They both have blank expressions, shaking their heads. Chong says "Sorry man, I don't even remember what I had for lunch."
The lizard looks at them with it's black mirrored dilated eyes, and shakes his head in disbelief.
Professor Elizardo introduces his mother. "This is my mama, you can call her Mama too!"
"We have been living down here for 35 years in exile from our village in Catemaco. "Our family tried to be supportive of mothers beastiality fetish. Letting her support the family performing donkey shows to perverted tourists. That's where she met my Papa. Unfortunately, falling in love with a giant lizard crossed a line to far for her family. They chased my parents out off town. It was only for the generosity of her Tio Chapo, that we ended up here, when he gave them the same skeleton key, I sent to you."
Elizardo Jr points to a bassinet against the wall. Inside it is a nest made of hay. "I was the only egg that ever hatched." "It's a nice place really, if you can get past the noises of people screwing in room 13 all the time."
Cheech says "Wow , that's some crazy family story, but we came down here to see if you would sell us some seeds to that strain that you sent us."
Professor Elizardo shakes his head no. "I'm sorry these are not for sale, the world is not ready yet for this strain"
Cheech thinks back to when he smoked the joint. "Yeah, that was one hell of a trip." I never had a joint hit me like that, and Chong can vouch for me I have smoked a lot of joints in my time"
Professor Elizardo Jr smiles proudly. "It is a strain I have been working on for years." "It is a transgenic mutation between Santa Marta Gold, and Mexican magic mushrooms!" "I managed to genetically combine the mushroom mycelium with marijuana!" "Originally my plan was to make a transgenic mutation between marijuana, and dandelions." "Hoping they would of sprung up like weeds across every lawn overgrowing the United States!" "Instead, I created the ultimate trip by combing two of the most popular recreational drugs known to mankind." "I call it Prop Weed 2.0!"
"I knew this strain would be successful when I tested it on Joaquin Phoenix while he was filming The Joker. The strain elevated his method acting to another level, and he won an Academy Award for Best Actor!"
Cheech was in awe of what Professor Elizardo had created. "Professor, is there any way we can make a deal for some of those seeds? We came a long way to get them."
Professor Elizardo Stedanko Jr pauses to consider his options. "All right here is the deal. I will give you both enough seeds to grow your own, but you have to do something you might find a bit inconvenient." He laughs a little evilly afterwards.
"These are my terms if you want them." "You each have to carry the seeds in your butt, and you have to walk back to the United States with a migrant caravan."
Cheech was unhesitant "Deal!"
Chong had his reservations. "The only thing I have stuck up my ass lately is lubricated CBD suppositories." "I kind of had an issue down there if you follow my drift."
Cheech realizes what Chong was referring to, and offered to stick Chong's share of seeds up his bum as well.
Professor Elizardo says "Then we have a deal!" He hands Cheech a couple of lubricated rubbers packed with seeds.
Cheech goes into a bathroom for privacy. You could hear him grunting, and complaining as he puts the rubber filled seeds up his butt.
Cheech walks out of the bathroom walking like he had ridden a trotting horse bare back for a couple of hours.
Chong looks at Cheech as he walks out. "Man, you must really want those seeds bad if you're willing to go all Broke Back Mountain for them."
Cheech shakes his head in agreement still walking in an awkward swagger.
Professor Elizardo Jr escorts them back to the hotel room, taking the skeleton key out from the satanic Chupacabra's butt hole, and shutting the door behind him leaving the room with just Cheech and Chong inside it.
Cheech and Chong kept their word. Their adventure continued as they joined up with a migrant caravan heading north. Along the way Cheech was not able to take a crap for over ten days. He ended up bloating like a tick, and Chong used him as a raft to cross the Rio Grande. There were coyotes, and drug lords along the way. They bonded with other mules carrying popular recreational drugs up their butts. They even got detained by La Migra and almost got deported back to Mexico because Cheech had a hard time trying to run away from them because he had stomach cramps. Eventually, they made it home, Prop Weed 2.0 became a world wide sensation, and they both were blazed forever after.
